Directed by: Doug Liman
Written by: Anthony Bagarozzi, Chuck Mondry, R. Lance Hill
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Daniela Melchior, Conor McGregor
Awards/Nominations
What. The. Fuck.
I’d like to start by saying that it feels a bit icky to be promoting something on *Insert Gigantic Rainforest Name Here.* But…
Road House is so fucking silly and wonderful. It is delightfully unhinged. There will be cackling. And probably screaming at the screen (RIP SOMEBODY’S THROAT OUT, GODDAMMIT!). Is it anywhere near the quality or caliber of the Patrick Swayze mega-classic? Omg no. But it is incredibly fun. I *think* maybe it knows it’s silly and it leans into it just a little. Not, like, winky-noddy, but just sort of having fun with it. But also, maybe it doesn’t know – and somehow I think that would be even better. What if they think they really pulled something off? Cuz they kinda did – just maybe not in the way they intended.
Although at times it becomes an almost shot-for-shot remake, at other points it diverges so wildly, and so wonderfully that I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Am I glad I didn’t have to watch Jake Gyllenhal attempt to do Tai Chi in deliciously tight gray sweatpants? Absolutely. Am I glad the trade off was approximately 9 MILLION HOURS (give or take) of flashbacks to one fateful day in his MMA career? No. No, I am not. Why was there so much of that?! I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but I got it when the first lackey came into the Road House and sat down to watch a YouTube clip of his fight with him to, like, rub it in, or whatever. I very much did not need to see 874,345 more flashbacks of it.
What I did need was Jessica Williams as the owner of the Road House. Sorry, of Road House. Cuz that’s what it’s called. But don’t worry, you’ll still get the Double Deuce, just not in the way you think. That sounds bad, and I’m loving it.
Look, the story is fine. The acting is fine. But what I really want to talk to you about is the sheer, delightful muppetry of Conor McGregor.
Is he always like that, or was it a Road House special performance? Either way, I love it. He’s seriously a muscular little muppet-man. He’s all flappy-faced and ridiculous. Like the perfect Bond villain. No notes. And no other villains were needed – other than Jaime (I didn’t catch his name in this, but Jaime from Broad City), I wish those two had been the only villains. Everyone else was utterly forgettable.
“I just slapped you. Are you all right?”
Sorry. No, I’m not though. The main villain was a soft-faced little pointless dork of a human. I feel like maybe that was the point, but I also think he was just in the way of the Muppet Man. And that is NOT COOL. Conor McGregor actually performs a full-scale beatdown in shiny purple trousers at one point. His character is an absolute treasure. And in case you manage to miss his necklace, or the 876 tattoos of his own name that he has, his characters name is Knox, btw.
To move past the whole ‘why I think Road House was a ridiculous sideshow” thing for just a moment, I do want to say that while it is definitely disjointed, and unsure if it’s a remake, a reboot, or something else entirely, it is definitely entertaining. It’s full of bright explosions, at times unnecessarily moody lighting, more flashbacks to the same fight than you can possibly imagine, intense over-acting, occasional, but just as intense underacting, weird dialogue, and some surprisingly good fight choreography.
Is Road House a masterpiece? Noo. Does it hold a candle to the original? Nope. I honestly don’t understand why it was made. It honestly has hard straight-to-video action movie vibes. And ain’t nothing wrong with that.
So, do I like it? Yes, I sure do. I just wish it had 100% more throat-ripping. I was, however, thoroughly impressed by the amount of full-contact slapping. So, that feels like a win. Do I feel like you should watch it? If direct-to-video-action is your deal, then 100% yes. It’s worth the watch.
