Synopsis: At the tail end of a tip-free first day as a pizza delivery driver, Sam Craft (played by Hayley Griffith) goes way the hell out of her way to deliver to a wealthy neighborhood in hopes of at least getting tipped enough to cover the day’s gas. Unfortunately, it turns out the delivery is to a house full of high-society Satanists whose virgin sacrifice recently fell through. And it just so happens that Sam is – you guessed it – a virgin!
Satanic Panic is the feature-length directorial debut from Chelsea Stardust (who you may recognize by her beautiful dye job/Twitter presence/as Chelsea Peters, former assistant to Jason Blum of production company Blumhouse).
The film stars Rebecca Romijn, Arden Myrin (you might know her from approximately every funny thing made between 1996 and today – also possibly just from MadTV), Hayley Griffith, and Ruby Modine (daughter of Matthew if you’re wondering), but also appearing are Jordan Ladd, Jeff Daniel Phillips, and Jerry O’Connell.
It was nominated for the Midnight X-treme award at the 2019 Sitges – Catalonian International Film Festival, and although it did not take home the prize, I think that it is not only a fun and quality film in its own right, but it also shows that Chelsea Stardust is someone to watch out for. She was able to capably direct a cast of seasoned and not-so-seasoned actors in a film that looked good, with a cohesive, easy to follow story.
And I think it’s worth pointing out that the costume and set design was gorgeous. With art direction by Charlotte Golden and costume design by Rachel C. Wilson (who has a small handful of previous costuming credits including Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich, for whatever that’s worth).
There’s a lot of really well done crafty shit too.
The screenplay was written by Grady Hendrix, and adapted from a story written by both Hendrix and Ted Geoghegan (the two also wrote Mohawk, which I’ve not yet seen, and Hendrix has written several books I’ve read and enjoyed, including Horrorstör and My Best Friend’s Exorcism).
Although the story was nothing groundbreaking – I mean, does it get any more old school than Satanic cult needs last-minute virgin sacrifice? – this movie is a lot of fun. There are some entertaining kills, and a good amount of gore. There are also some truly funny moments. Really, for me, the one thing about this movie that stood out above all others was Ruby Modine’s performance. She was fantastic as spoiled brat Judi Ross. Some of the dialogue she had to spit out rapid-fire was mind-boggling. But spit it she did, like a god damned champion. It was damned-near Shakespearean in its density and also occasionally in its sheer alliterative insanity. See:
“Oh my god. You’re like a big retarded baby. My mom and her butt buddies are booty calling Baphomet, and we’re gonna hide in here like scared little bitches because they can turn your liver into fire ants. If they find us, they’re not gonna kill us- they’re gonna do shit that you can’t comprehend. And they’re not going to stop until you’re strapped naked to a barbed wire altar with a fifteen foot beast of Gehenna and his double pronged demon dong walking around your cooch chute like it’s a revolving door of ground beef.”
Satanic Panic, Aperture Entertainment, 2019
And can we please never forget this ultimate little irony of marketing? May I present the Wal Mart Exclusive packaging? 🤣🤣🤣
My Edition:
Blu Ray distributed by RLJE Films
Special Features:
The Making of “Satanic Panic” featurette
Sam & Judi featurette
Girl Power featurette
Rating:
This movie was a lot of fun. It loses one star just because it didn’t really add anything groundbreaking to the storyline it utilizes, but I don’t at all want that to convey that I didn’t enjoy any aspect of it. I also wish that the Blu Ray would have contained some additional features – bloopers, maybe some commentary, whatever. Just a little more body, you know? But still – I bought it, I’m happy that I bought it, and it is 100% re-watchable. I can’t wait to see what Stardust will do next.
Satanic Panic
Directed by: Chelsea Stardust
Released September 6, 2019
Aperture Entertainment/Fangoria
Horror, Comedy
Not Rated
85 Minutes
