Holiday Horror

It’s Ho-Ho-Horror Time!

Christmas (or your chosen Winter holiday) is the most wonderful time of year to watch horror movies. There are SO MANY great horror movies set on or around Christmas. I’m going to give you just a few.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

In a tale as old as time, a child raised by nuns grows up to be a rage-fueled, murderous toy store Santa.

Did I mention that the nuns abused him?

Or that he witnessed his parents’ murders before winding up in the orphanage with said nuns?

Also, Linnea Quigley.

This movie is a widely-regarded cult classic despite being initially pulled from theaters because of the controversial nature of a killer Santa Claus (or so the internet says – I was -1 when this came out, so what the hell do I know).

Gremlins (1984)

We all know Gremlins, right? I’d wager we do.

This Joe Dante classic tells the story of Billy (played by Zach Galligan), a young and affable doofus whose father purchases him a mogwai for Christmas, and shenanigans ensue.

In case you’ve never had the pleasure of seeing this (I’m so sorry), you may find yourself asking, ‘What’s a mogwai?’
This adorbs little fucker right here is what a mogwai is!

I love Gremlins so much. Honestly, it’s not just a Christmas movie. It’s a year round classic that just so happens to take place during Christmas.

Christmas Evil (1980)

Another slasher classic!

Christmas Evil is the story of a mentally ill (probably PTSD because of a particularly troubling moment for him as a child, which we experience along with him) man (WAIT – I can feel you starting to discount it because it’s not nice to villify the mentally ill – and I AGREE WITH YOU – but slow your roll, there’s vindication, I promise you!) who enters a fugue state, believes himself to be Santa Claus, and is ultimately driven to commit some retaliatory murders.

So the vindication that I promised you is this – the film leaves you with the idea that society is hypocritical in the way we preach togetherness and altruism during the holidays while ignoring the needs of the mentally ill and/or disenfranchised not just during the holiday season, but year round.

Black Christmas (1974)

Oh, that fucking tagline though.

A sorority house is plagued by obscene phone calls…

One by one they’re disappearing.

Turns out they’re all dead.

And the calls are coming from inside the house!

Notable for Olivia Hussey’s character wanting an abortion, and not taking her boyfriend’s bullshit about it. Also notable for never telling us who the killer is (aside from his first name) or his motivation.

Krampus (2015)

A young boy learns about the Austro-Bavarian myth of Krampus from his grandmother.

When his whole asshole family turns the holiday gathering into a total asshole-fest, he becomes frustrated and totally loses his Christmas spirit, thus drawing the demon to him.

This movie is funny, it’s scary, and it’s really wonderful. The monsters that Krampus calls up to fuck with this family are wonderful. And the performances are perfect. Toni Collette, Adam Scott, Conchatta Ferrell, and David Koechner are perfection.

Rare Exports (2010)

A Finnish gem, Rare Exports is a difficult story to explain succinctly. But I’m gonna try.

On Christmas Eve, a dig site accidentally unearths the tomb of Joulpukki, the Finnish proto-Santa (if you’re Finnish, & find that saying he is a pre-Santa prototype is incorrect please let me know! This is just my current understanding of things).

Soon after, children begin disappearing and a boy, his father, and some of their fellow hunters trap him and try to sell him back to the corporation who was running the dig. However, they also have to worry about Joulpukki’s elves who are going to free their leader no matter what.

Jack Frost (1996)

Hopefully this movie needs no introduction. But just in case, it is the schlocky, hilarious tale of a rapist/murderer nonsensically named Jack Frost (although if you hold on a moment that stupid-ass name actually becomes 100% ‘sensical).

Jack is on his way to be executed (which often involves transport the day of?) when the transport vehicle gets in an accident with another vehicle. See, it’s dark, it’s snowing furiously, and visibility is nil.

But that second vehicle? Not just any vehicle – see, it’s carrying an experimental bio-acid (which is probably a classification that I’m 100% making up) that is supposed to help mankind survive mass extinction by allowing human DNA to bond with inert something or other (I can’t give you the exact dialogue here, you’ll just have to watch for yourself). So long story short, Frost’s DNA bonds with…snow. This naturally causes him to return as a batshit Killer Snowman.

Oh, this movie is just incredible. Watch it, I implore you.

Santa’s Slay (2005)

I love this movie so much that I don’t even know what to say. It’s wonderful. A truly overlooked classic.

I submit a few reasons for you, and then demand that you go watch it:

• Gooooooldberrrrrrrrrg!
• Fran Drescher’s head on fire
• a menorah murder
• the zamboni incident
• plenty of strippers
• death by candy cane

You don’t need any more convincing than that, right? Well, just in case, I’ll leave you with this gif:

Still waiting to be seen, but optimistic:

Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)

Better Watch Out (2017)

All The Creatures Were Stirring (2018)

Deadly Games / aka Dial Code Santa Claus (1989)