Synopsis: Don Koch, a troubled man trying to make a fresh start for his wife and their as-yet unborn child buys a beautiful old home in the suburbs. It needs some repairs, so he precedes his family there intending to get the house in livable shape for them. But as he begins working on the house, it becomes increasingly clear that the house has other plans.
My Thoughts:
I’m not really sure where to start with this movie, except to say that I really wish I would have watched it in 2019, since it certainly would have sat somewhere near the top of my list of favorite movies of the decade, and favorite movies of the year. I REALLY loved this movie. It checked a bunch of boxes for me – it was gooey and disgusting, there were ghosts, amazing practical effects, and plenty of elements of both psychological and body horror. And seriously (and I cannot stress this enough), the practical effects were fan-fucking-tastic.
There is so much blood and goo, but there are also plenty of prosthetic effects as well. If you are like me, and you prefer as many practical effects in your movies as is feasible, this is going to be so much fun for you. There is just so much gnarly shit to feast your eyes on. I mean, just look at these stills! That is some quality sfx work right thar, amirite?
“Why are you doing this to me?”
According to writer/director Travis Stevens, the film was actually inspired by the real life haunted house it was shot in. The house, in a Chicago suburb, is said to be a former brothel, and a young girl who lived there was said by locals to have been murdered and buried, her face severely disfigured by nearby train tracks. Another young woman died there as well – her cause of death listed as yellow fever, although apparently her body was never actually found (note: I got all of this information from an article by Stevens on Talkhouse).
As far as performances go, I liked Phil Brooks (aka CM Punk) a hell of a lot in his role as Don. He was so intensely unlikable. He was, like, a beacon of toxic masculinity. He was an asshole, completely and utterly. He had chance after chance to do the right thing and save himself, and every time he did the absolute dumbest thing he could have possibly done. The way he behaved with his wife had me on edge from the get-go. The way he physically held the phone as far from himself as possible while he voice-chatted with her, and especially how he ended each call with her. He was a dick, plain and simple. He sort of actively sought out punishment, so it was hard to feel even a little bad for him, no matter how bad things got. It’s hard to feel sympathy for someone who so actively engages in self-destructive behavior as Don does.
The house itself is fantastic. Honestly, the house, haunted IRL or not is kind of amazing. It’s in rough shape, but it’s pretty amazing. The movie version of that amazing house is terrifying. It’s walls contain terrifying things like bleeding tissue and dead bodies. Everything oozes a sort of semen-like fluid all over the damn place (including the shower, in a scene which made me snort-laugh in sheer manic horror). Even the most innocuous fixture in the house becomes something to fear.
Girl on the Third Floor has an abysmal 4.8 rating on IMDB, which I think is criminal, but it does have an 81% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes, right next to its 35% audience rating there (seriously, audience, wtf are you doing?). I think all those people who did not enjoy this movie are out of their damn minds. It is so much fun!
My Edition:
Blu-ray
Other Available Editions:
No special or collectors editions available at this time (that I’m aware of – if you know of one, please tell me so I can buy it)
DVD, streaming on all major outlets
Rating:
Warning: I think it is worth mentioning that this film does contain a dog death. In their defense though, the way it happens is in fitting with the story, and they telegraph it like a motherfucker for a good 30 seconds or so in advance of showing you what is honestly not even recognizably canine anymore, so it’s not so bad. It’s no Old Yeller situation. I usually tap out on that kind of shit, and I was fine, but be warned anyway.
Girl on the Third Floor Directed by: Travis Stevens Released October 25, 2019 Queensbury Pictures Supernatural Horror Distributed by Dark Sky Films Unrated 93 minutes
You had me at gooey and disgusting but lost me at dog death,lol. I’ll try to be brave.
Yeah, I hear you. But I appreciate that, like I mentioned, they definitely give you fair warning and honestly, it’s not lingered on or celebrated in any way. And Don’s reaction is spot on.
If you think you can cover your eyes or otherwise get through that part, I really do highly recommend the movie.