Stone Cold Spookies – A Winter Horror Watch List

Wtf with that title, amirite? I couldn’t think of what to call this list of my top 10 favorite winter (but not holiday — not yet!) themed horror films. This seemed pertinent since I’m currently sitting at my computer in full winter gear (did you know that in the state of Oregon, insulation wasn’t mandatory in residential builds until 1980?! Or that attempting to heat an uninsulated home is a really expensive and completely futile process? It’s currently a balmy 31° outside, and only marginally warmer in). I’m cold, and it’s stupid.

So here goes:

10. Blood Glacier (2013)

A.K.A. Blutgletscher, Glazius, and The Station – Distributed by IFC Midnight.

Blood Glacier is an Austrian horror film directed by Marvin Kren which features a global warming research team stationed in the Austrian Alps who discover a glacier covered in a strange red substance. When the local wildlife ingests this substance, it takes root in their stomach where it combines the host’s DNA with whatever they have ingested leading to the creation of some really bonkerballs creatures that then burst forth from the tummies of their hosts and cause murderous shenanigans all over the damn place.

This is a solid monster movie. It’s sort of like if John Carpenter’s The Thing and that episode of The X-Files with Felicity Huffman (booooooo) at the remote research station with the alien brain worms (Ice is the name of the episode, I think) had a slightly wonky baby which was then adopted by H.P. Lovecraft’s The Color Out of Space. That’s kind of a lot, I know. But it’s a good time and some of the creature-work is really cool. This movie was pretty uniformly panned by American media it seems, but I’m not about to start caring about a little thing like critical reception. I think it’s surprisingly solid for a low budget creature feature.

9. 30 Days of Night (2007)

I just had a crisis. I’m glad y’all didn’t have to see it. It wasn’t pretty. Originally this spot on the list was taken up by Storm of the Century – but you know what? That was a miniseries. Which I vote doesn’t count. Also, as I state in the next entry, I don’t like the idea of too much S.K. business on here, so it’s a blessing in disguise. So, 30 Days of Night. Which is fine. I actually enjoyed this movie quite a bit anyway.

Being set in Alaska during the month long polar night (when there is no sun to be seen for the duration) makes for a new and interesting take on a vampire story. They basically have free reign for an entire calendar month. Crazy, right?

This movie was based on a short-run comic series by the same name. It’s a lot more fun than you probably think a mid-2000s Josh Hartnett vampire-vehicle might be, I promise.

8. Misery (1990)

I’m really wary of this list having too much Stephen King (I don’t even like his books, but man, those movie adaptations – god damn!). I’m extra-wary about just selecting the same King movies that everyone is going to have on these lists. Like, why is everything he does set in the freakin’ winter?! I know, they aren’t, and winter is bleak and scary besides, but still, this was kind of a challenge… So, Misery, because a) it’s damned good, and b) it’s not the (admittedly AMAZING The Shining, which is on everybody’s list for good reason, but I’m trying to give you something a little different here!).

So, Misery. Basically, a novelist is in a rather serious car crash in the mountains of Colorado, and is “rescued” by his “biggest fan,” who then holds him captive and forces him to write his stories for her. She’s super cray.

Can we just talk frankly for a moment? Kathy Bates is a living legend. She’s so incredible all the time in everything that it just makes me want to die. And this movie is no exception. Bates’ turn as the violent, obsessive proto-fangirl Annie Wilkes is a thing of magic. I mean, have you seen this movie? She’s terrifying.

7. Dead Snow (2009)

Do you like watching Nazi’s get what’s coming to them? What about zombified Nazis? Yeah, me too.

Dead Snow is a really special movie. Not only do you get to watch zombie Nazis get the ever-loving-shit re-killed out of them, but the story also parallels Scandinavian folklore – the mythical draugr or aptrganga – if that’s your thing (it’s totally mine).

The movie is about some students vacationing in a cabin in Norway who are besieged by undead Nazis determined to hold onto their treasure (which is hidden in a chest in an underground cave near the cabin the group is staying in that one of their parties discovers by falling into it).

There’s tons of gore, so be forewarned – this is definitely a splatter flick – but it’s totally worth watching. There is also a sequel, but I haven’t gotten around to seeing it yet. Maybe you should check that one out as well, and just let me know if it’s also great?

6. Troll Hunter (2010)

Norway apparently likes snowy movies, and I apparently like Norway. Troll Hunter is about some students from a University who are investigating the case of some dead bears. They track down Hans, a mysterious hunter, and assume that by following him, they will come to learn the source of the killings. However, they soon learn that Hans is no average hunter, he’s a troll hunter (bah, bah, BAAAH!) contracted by a secret governmental agency. And he’s hunting a whole mess of escaped trolls! Oh noes!

This may not be the scariest movie on this list, but I guarantee it contains the most trolls. And it’s a genuinely good movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend giving it a shot.

5. Harbinger Down (2015)

Did you see 2011’s The Thing (the Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. prequel/dumpster fire, not the 1982 John Carpenter masterpiece)? Did you hate all the terrible CGI? Good, then you’re gonna love this one. It’s all practical, all done by Amalgamated Dynamics, who were originally hired to create the effects for the aforementioned dumpster fire, which were then confusingly replaced almost entirely with terrible computer-generated imagery. They were understandably pissed that their hard work was unceremoniously replaced with subpar CG, so they decided to make their own The Thing-esque movie (after some fan prompting).

And you know what? I’m glad they did. This movie is badass. And those monsters are incredibly cool. PRACTICAL EFFECTS 4 LIFE!

Some people apparently don’t like this movie. Those people are wrong. Don’t listen to them. If a movie is completely practical, and Lance Henrikson is in it, you have zero reasons to not see it.

4. Snowpiercer (2013)

I can feel you getting ready to argue with me – “Snowpiercer is SciFi, not horror!” Hush. It’s post-apocalyptic SciFi, which is inherently horror – I will not entertain your argument any further. #sorrynotsorry

Set in a future where a failed climate change experiment has caused a permanent Ice Age killing all life except those lucky folks aboard the Snowpiercer, a large train-turned-class-based shitshow.

Directed by Bong Joon Ho (which should be reason enough for you to see it), Snowpiercer is a bleak, action-heavy battle for not just survival, but equality. If somehow that isn’t enough for you, it stars Chris Evans, Tilda Swinton, Kang-ho Song, Ed Harris, Ko Asung, and Octavia Spencer – and if any of those names are unfamiliar to you, I suggest you remedy that immediately. This movie is brilliant.

3. Crimson Peak (2015)

Like Snowpiercer, Crimson Peak has an impressive cast. And an impressive director. And beautiful sets. And impressive atmosphere. Its stars include Mia Wasikowska, Jessica Chastain, Tom Hiddleston, Jim Beaver, and Doug Jones. You know what? I fucking love this movie. And I’m not going to apologize for it. Like pretty much everything Guillermo del Toro has ever made, this movie is gorgeous. That house. Those costumes. The ghosts!!

I don’t even want to say much about the plot, because if you haven’t seen it and you like a good ghost story, this one deserves to be gone into blind. I’ll simply say it is about a young woman who marries a hot and mysterious near-stranger (it was Victorian times; don’t get your panties in a wad), and moves in with him and his sister in their beautiful, spooky, mega-haunted mansion.

2. The Invisible Man (1933)

I think we all knew we weren’t getting out of here without the OG. The Invisible Man is a pretty singularly wonderful movie anyway, but it works here because of the infamous footprints in the snow scene, which I have added below in lieu of a trailer. Claude Rains was a treasure. If you are unaware of the story (please go watch it as soon as you finish this list), The Invisible Man is the story of Dr. Jack Griffin who, through his experimentation manages to make himself invisible which has the unfortunate side effect of also causing him to become completely and murderously unhinged.

The entire original Universal Monsters lineup is still some of the best cinema you’re liable to find, and this one is no exception.

1. The Thing (1982)

Well obviously this one was going to be my favorite, right? Well, I tried to keep the list more to movies that everyone doesn’t ALWAYS list, but sometimes you just have to agree with the masses. The Thing is just one of the best movies – period.

As seems to be tradition among my favorite movies (see my post on Invasion of the Body Snatchers), The Thing is a remake of Howard Hawks’ 1951 film of the same name, which was itself an adaptation of a John W. Campbell Jr. story called ‘Who Goes There?‘ I like remakes of adaptations. I also like Kurt Russell.

If you live under a rock, or were raised in an Amish community, or for some other reason have never seen this movie, it is about an Antarctic research station where a…Thing… is on the loose. This Thing is rolling around killing all of the people and other living creatures and transforming itself into them. It’s scary, gory as hell, and a stellar example of the true terror that can be created by combining psychological and body horror.

It focuses on the amazing special effects work created by a massive team of 40+ including both Rob Bottin and Stan Winston. If you haven’t seen it, please drop absolutely everything you’re doing and go watch it immediately.